The Plan

 I have lost count of how many times I've been asked what my plans are. RJ will be starting college over the summer and will be fully independent when he starts driving on his own in October.  It's a process for me. As Christians we trust the plan God has for us, but we still need to make daily life decisions and also plan for the future. I know I will be staying in NC. I have signed an apartment lease for another year. I would like to eventually have my own house.  That is something in the future for me for many reasons. For now, NC is home and will continue to be unless God or life changes it. I love where I work and have no intentions of looking for work elsewhere. My church is amazing and try to help whenever and wherever I can.  The other big question I get a lot is if I will get married again. That's a loaded question. I am 48 and have no desire whatsoever to give birth to more children. The one I have is a miracle and a gift. I am content to watch him grow in life and in God.  I guess it depends on the day. Some days I am like, this is the life, being single. Then there are days when I would like to share life with someone. I see the happy couples and feel a tug and a wish I had that. Then I see the couple fighting and I thank the Lord I don't have to navigate all that.  Then I have my moments where I can sit for hours in the sweet presence of the Lord, and I know that married life takes some of that time away. I love sitting in His presence. I never tire of being with my Jesus. The more I have of Him, the more I want. Then, comes the rude awakening of the very fact that I am human, and I have very real hormones and feelings that God created. Those days, put me on my face in prayer asking God to get me through. So, you see, it's a loaded question.  I also come with many, many scars. Scars that most women do not carry (read my Sound of Freedom blog to understand a bit of what I am talking about).  He would really have to love me, scars and all. I'm back to my fully independent self and I have no desire to lose that part of me ever again. The south has shown me a different kind of man and I hope this next generation doesn't lose the beauty of a southern gentlemen. It's been hard for this independent girl to step back and allow a guy to do something for me, simply because that's what they do. I have however learned the balance of asking for help when I need it, taking a step back and allowing someone to do it because they can all while still keeping my strong independent nature. This all taught to me by the men out here. Married and single, it's just the way it should be, and it's been a good lesson to learn. Would I be open to it, yes, depending on who he is. There are very few guys in my circle that I would ever trust my heart with. The rest can all stay in the friend zone.  In a nutshell, maybe one day. Also, there is zero interest from any of the single guys in my life. You can't really be in a relationship if no one is pursuing you. If someone is interested, reach out to a mutual friend and we can take it from there. I don't do that whole anonymous, secret admirer thing.  Keep in mind, I will NEVER go back to my ex. So, let's just put that out there.  For now, I am the happiest I have been in a long time. I am content. I am free. I can walk closely with my Jesus. I get to be mom to the most amazing son. I can come and go when I want. It's a beautiful life and I don't take it for granted. Taking it a day at a time. Thankful for every day that God gives me. That for now is the plan. Heal. Grow in God. Be the best mom I can. Be friends with a horse. Stay close to my Jesus. Serve in the church. Live. Laugh. Maybe one day, love again. Jesus has become my everything and He is more than enough. God is good. 

FYI- this picture was taken this week at the end of a very long workday. It's about a real picture of me that you will ever get. No filters, flaw filled and imperfect on the outside. All while very whole on the inside. I can't thank God enough for His healing mercy and grace.